Pain Doc Agrees

Got a call back from the PAIN DOCTOR

I faxed a list of the meds, and the order they had been rx'ed and how I take them.
They already know this, but to see it all on one sheet of paper..

He said to stop taking the newest medication:  Keppra... well I already started stepping down off of it, cause I had a bad experience when I MISSED the durn pill for 3 days..

My trick of taking a half pill every other day, and then I will be clean by my appt next week.

When they said that my moods and my stuff that is going on now isn't beause of the drugs.. really?

The idea of taking this med instead of increasing one I am already taking?  for neuropathy.

Nothing has worked so far on the hand pain, and to have the neuropathy in my legs get worse was the icing on the cake.

Too bad the shots are not working...

We will discuss WHO I need to see next.

Sometimes I want a real DRUG, but this stuff is just the same as analgesics and anti inflammatory..and they are not working...

Maybe 5 days of IV steroids to break this cycle? 

Brain Scan 1

I didn't know I had to change the batteries!

This was a weirder (I think that is a word) weekend for me in many ways.

I was all over the place mentally, and I guess it finally resembeled something like a "break" .
I was a mess, I was crying, I was writing lists of my lists, I couldn't complete any task, even pouring a cuppa coffee was a challange.

I took my meds in a time frame that was correct, and still had so many strange SX... ones that I I call strange, yet they are familiar but not what I expect to happen when I am taking my meds!

Next stop.. compare the drugs on drug dot com? or the Stress Ward...

Early Christmas Present

Got an early Christmas Present for myself.

Seems that I am always in the zone ..

No excuses

they say you do not need to give an excuse when you tell someone you can't / won't be doing something.

I have backed out of the Family day at the Village Bookstore. I sent Val an email and told her I was sorry I couldn't participate.

I couldn't envision myself there on Saturday.

 I have many projects and no energy to set up and have a day showing kids how to make note pads out of cereal boxes and scrap paper.

Shredder Art with magazine pages

Checker boards from magazine page weaving and drink bottle lids....

Envelopes we do not use made into little gift bags that they can fold and decorate with crayons and markers...

I also have the mountain of pickle jars that I can make into SCARY Jar O Lanterns...

dammit

BUT I feel relieved that I could make that decision

I have been beating myself up about it for 3 days..

 I have been struggling with the increased pain and fatigue that is off the charts - so tired I can't stay up until 8 pm to watch the new season of Criminal Minds.

My hand hurts.  Bad.

Courtney at the Pain Doc said that I am having an ATTACK.

The Mobid isn't doing anything helpful, and since the Zipsor did, we will change meds to something with the same INGREDIENTS as Zipsor, and see what happens.

Not Zipsor because of the cost (at my request).

Also get an INJECTION in the thumb again.

I pointed out the other two places and she said once we get the main one "done" the other 2 will go away, like last time.

So the END of MAY to the END of September... 3 months

I hope this one lasts from NEXT WEDNESDAY to January 5, because that is when I go back to the Neuro Doc, and I will discuss disability.

My weekend

http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y29/debefree/October%202010/?albumview=slideshow

Truths

eLisa has a very nice website http://www.extravagantgrace.net/

It has been very eye opening again that I am not able to let go, I am a control freek

TYPE A personality

When I went to my Marie today I showed her my blank page on my clip board, and told her I can not even write down how I am feeling, and what I think is going on -

because I am always wrong and it is always my fault

My Marie asked who said I was wrong.. well as you all know, my other half says I don't do it right, or it is my fault that we have no beans in the house..

I pause right here to laugh... cause I told her I enable him and that is MY FAULT again

If you do not raise a child (husband) to take responsibility for their actions, how can you expect them to just pull up their big boy pants and be RESPONSIBLE? says my Marie

Can't

So it is my fault...

I also found out some more TRUTHS that I should face along the way to the restructuring of the life we are leading.

Yes, we are room mates

We should respect each other enough to be aware of how the other is feeling,

not just health wise but the mental attitude as well.

If I am in a FUNK, do not ask what is WRONG, ask me if I want a COOKIE!

If he is in a FUNK, leave the room and let him sulk alone, because it will become MY FAULT!

Do not blow off ATTITUDE, but address it right away -

If YOU are doing something that is pissing me off I should ADDRESS IT! NOW.

Not in a manner that is accusing, but in a matter of fact way that is instructional...

Like, HONEY, you know that your nasty shoes keep leaving grass and chunkage of dirt on the carpet in front of your chair, can those nasty shoes be cleaned outside before they come in?

Do we need one of those shoe scrapers?

My favorite one I need to figure out a direct and immediate retort-

HONEY! Your sheets came out of the bedroom and threw themselves in the laundry basket!

Do you need some help putting fresh ones on???!!!

(instead of having to throw those away because they will not come clean?)

But he doesn't even think about changing HIS bed sheets, because he never had to do it.

When is it time to tell a spouse that sharing some of this stuff is expected?

When I became unable to do my SHARE of the outside work, being the runner for tools, getting on the roof to clean the gutters,

and all that stuff that I just QUIT doing because of the MS fatigue, it became pretty obvious that my spouse needed a helper of some kind...

and now he is in a funk because there are just too many jobs to be done that NEED someone with 2 good legs and a strong back... so he gets in a tizzy about not getting stuff DONE outside...

When I get in a tizzy about not getting the vacuuming done, he shruggs it off.. so I bought a roomba

And the bathrooms are totally disgusting, and we do not have the same ideas about just a quick wipe by the MESSEE and it would be good... cause the MESSEE doesnt see a mess...

So I now have another tool to get the bathroom clean and once a week in 10 minutes (I HOPE)

Same way for the kitchen counters and cabinet fronts...

SO the wet dogs shake off in the kitchen, and the tail that is wagging so joyfully is muddy and is smacking the dishwasher... In a few minutes and a squirt of this or that cleaner it can be tidy... but not CLEAN... know what I mean?

Since I am looking forward to his fishing this weekend I hope to take my time and do some of the stuff that IS IMPORTANT to me around the house... and maybe even watch a movie or make some art! I know he will be tired and go right to his room... and I will have had a productive day!

AND when he comes back I hope he brings some trout and I have some beans in the house!

need a List?

I'm wondering

I may be experiencing some kinda MS thingy, and it is causing my short tempered reactions?

Except my trigger man is really a piece of work

I think I am having some of those weird SX that we talk about

a wet noodle is on my leg

I keep feeling something on the back of my neck

my eye twitching drives me crazy... stuff like that

SO chicken an de egg thing

DID MY RAGE cause this

or is THIS why I totally lost it and had that screaming fit?

I was trying to figure out what I want from MY MARIE

when I talk with her tomorrow

I am thinking I need a guide or tools to help with my conversations with HIM

Even tho I am having communication problems, I feel like they are not ALL my problems

except it is hard to be lucid when babbling and losing words

kwim

I tried to make a list, like all TYPE A folks do,
and sort it into catagory and such

I am so not HERE right now

BUT it is Better today than last week

The weekend I was wasted and non productive
but I did tell myself it is OKAY to not produce

kinda

dammit

Unfair Truths v 1.55

Rage makes me sore all over

I can not sleep

I toss and turn and pound my pillow

My body actually is hot

A hot flash is very common... hot hot hot flash is most of my new normal...

This is like a fever, well it could be a fever...

Today from 5 am until 2 pm I am a total mess

I am calming down because I see the light...

I have tried to give it up to the Lord, several times I have squeezed my eyes tightly closed and realized I didn't let it go...

I am thinking too much, my brain doesn't shut off ...

I have been trying to find the number for my Marie.. and I looked again on the website and FINALLY found the number was there .

I could not "get it" because I was just wound too tight...

I made the call, I have an appt for Tuesday morning at 10 am..

I am asking for guidance - and the LORD did show me that number! - and the tools to handle my thought processes and my stoopid rage...

If I didn't know better I would be afraid I am having another meltdown...

That can't be it... not a meltdown...

I need some laughter, and singing, and fun...

And if I am doing it by myself that is FINE... because I am FINE

## one of my newest MS friends NANCY was in the hospital for horrible horrible pain, electric jolts running down her arms and numb from her knees to the bottom of her feet... how can you possibly walk if you can't feel your feet?

The electric jolts down her arms caused her to lose her GRIP... how can she walk if she can't even feel her feet or hold on to her CANE??? She can't hold a glass without dropping it..

The doctor put her in the hospital so she could have 5 days of IVSM.. in the 5 days she was there she had 20 BAGS of IVSM...

20

And Wednesday she was walking and talking and smiling...

I bumped into my friend Lori (muggle) and she gave me the big hug and smile and she says TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF YOU NEED IT... get away!!

SHE is so smart...

I actually HATE that I see her and start babbling my problems

HATE HATE HATE...

so I will let the insurance PAY for someone to listen to me babble...

Gosh I need professional help... I am so weak... huh

Unfair Truths v 1.5

Well, like Esther Williams, I opened my eyes and smiled at the camera, blinking chlorine away, and batting my lashes.

Didn't realize that my suit will always be a bit out of date, but "shrug" who is it going to bother..

I found out the other day, to get back on subject, that I can't do it all.

I should not be surprised, because what I do do, I do okay, but not exceptional..

I have expectations, but maybe I don't worry to much about the swim suit riding up my behind, because what I am doing, I LIKE IT!

Since I am now credited with some little successes, I thought maybe I should try my hand at some stuff I see online, some lovely artsy stuff, that I know I can do and would like to try...

I actually have hundreds of pieces of paper with patterns and diagrams and suggestions, and they are not really FILED in any kind of system, which is what causes me great frustration.

So I have put aside baskets to put a pattern and material into, and then I can put that project on my table and WORK on it!

If I have to pick it up and move it, well it can go back into the basket.. right?

I am afraid it will become a UFO.. Un Finished Object... and then the pattern and supplies may be raided to finish something else...


Another big sigh


Of course this comes along right at the time I am getting ORGANIZED and wow it is TIMELY... cause I do need to put my ducks in some kinda row, and start to create STUFF that could help me recoup some of the money I spend gathering my supplies...

but, I need somewhere to show off my talents, but nary a venue has come to my attention yet... except my lovely local bookstore, bless them, and I am planning to visit there tomorrow

there is that word again... tomorrow...

planning to straighten up my display, take away some and put out new, create some interesting levels so folks have to move around to look... and such...

Of course I may go and find out she has boxed up my stuff because she hasn't seen me in a month ... sigh...

I also plan to show her my proposal concerning the community stuff - FREE artsy fartsy crafty upcycle/recycle/make it and take it classes...

Stuff that I can put in a newspaper article -

Where I plant a seed by display - in all its wonder- some of the things I make using card board cereal boxes, plastic grocery bags, and fabric scraps...

and DUCT TAPE...

so tonight I need to be on top of my game to be sure I have some of my "things" ready

and I MAY just go over to the book store tonight if I get angry at my other half

again...

BUT

Since I 'can't do it all' referrs to the fact that I do not have the time or resourses to try every single artsy fartsy thing I see on the WWW, and some lovely woman mentioned on her blog.. that she had to stop reading every single website and every single crafters blog.. to keep her time for her craft

So if I want to write, or edit photos, or TAKE photos or paint a wall or make a dammit doll to send to a friend... I MUST have the time

I MUST TAKE the TIME

I need some me time.. and I should figure out how to get it...

Unfair truth v1

It isn't tomorrow, because I just put down my salad of delish grilled chicken and ranch dressing, and could not remember what I was going to write about can't do it all

because I just screamed at my other half and slammed cupboards and threw thing around in the kitchen

I only asked if he wanted his grilled chicken on a salad or on a sandwich, blah blah blah

He asked for beans, I said um.. ok

I squat down and looked in the cupboard.. I did not see beans.

oh my LORD, please take me now, I felt the tension in my neck spread to my entire head, and then.... my eyes filled up with tears, and I put my head against the cupboard door.. tapped it lightly... bam bam bam... crap, I used all the beans I say out loud...

HE SAY: but you just went to the store and you don't get beans???

I SAY: well, I musta used them ... I didn't buy beans 'cause I thought I had a big can...

HE SAY: you thought? How come you never run out of YOGURT or Corn Chex? Do you ever run out of PeanutButter...

I squat down again and I am gently moving cans around, refried beans, refried beans, BIG can of refried beans... crap no baked beans...

Then he is making more cutting remarks... and a MIRACLE... truly I SEE the BIG CAN of BAKED BEANS... tucked behind the BIG CAN of soup..

But did I say thank you GOD first? no.. I stood up shaking and slammed that can down on the counter... my voice sounded like an alien being had taken over ....

DO YOU THINK I DON"T BUY BEANS ON PURPOSE???? SO THAT YOU CAN GIVE ME SH@T and CALL ME NAMES? SO THAT I CAN LISTEN TO YOU CRAB A$$ ABOUT IT FOR 24 HOURS?!!!

Every thing I touched I slammed... I marched his dinner out to serve him... sat it gently on his table (I didn't want to make a mess) he did not meet my eye...

I stopped crying, blessed the Lord for getting me out of this without having a stroke and took my dinner to my computer desk..

I hurt all over from my rage.. I am so so so tired of this

I was going to call my theripist MY MARIE, but couldn't find the number, and I will FIND IT

TOMORROW...

An unfair truth

I just found out I can't do it all

Here I was going to try to not have whiny posts and I found out this unfair, awful truth, so I bring it here.

My online girlfriends all have enough "stuff" going on in their lives, and if I can make this entertaining enough maybe I wont be dissed about it...

So I dive right into the matter, like Esther Williams in her no mess lipstick and hour glass figure dives into that beautiful blue water, and see if I can come up smiling!

Tomorrow

Brain Training

never would have thought that I would FIND a website with brain trainer puzzles and such, so that I can keep on my toes with cognitive stuff.

it is cool that it shows different tasks and tell you what you are working on to keep yourself sharp.

www.lumosity.com

it has a basic FREE membership

two things are just totally not possible, so I can work on them:

a game to remember names and faces (short turm memory)

and one to digest 2 things at a time which I forgot what that is called!

lol

Be Nice

A friend in my MS WORLD who is also a blogger, writer, health professional, and she posted on her blog about BEING NICE.

Check her out on NOURISH


http://nourishourselves.blogspot.com/


I just so happened to read an article while waiting in the foot doctors office on Friday, a very similar report on BEING NICE.

http://www.operationnice.com/

It is interesting

When I start the day in the hectic mess of my mind
the forgetting and remembering
the delays and stoopid mess of just trying to get out the door

Remembering when I had the 2 girls, trained to be prepared for the school day

Remembering MY days of going here and there
From this job to that job to Dancing School
then home.

Having a running battle with WHO needs to be in the shower at night
and WHO needs to be in the shower in the morning...

Backpacks at the top of the stairs, and check lists that I follow
to keep me on top of everyone and everything

Remembering the hubby leaving in the morning with a 5 minute drive to his school

And My miles and miles of going and coming

If I start my day NICE, everyone around me is NICE

If I am starting my day a mess, I am a mess all day

and everyone I run into treats me like a mess...

JUST ONE FRIENDLY good morning! is the best way to rev up

BUT the angry mess of my mind sometimes keeps my day a blur

My new normal is thinking of something in a lucid moment

that is not a necessary SOMETHING

but pops to the surface and becomes suddenly SOMETHING NECESSARY

it kinda wrecks everything

kwim?

Expecting To Fly

EXPECTING TO FLY

ELEMENTS OF EXCITEMENT

EFFERVESCENT FIZZ

IN MY BRAIN

FOND MEMORIES
BALANCE LIKE
DRAGONFLIES

TRANSPARENT GLASS WINGS

EXPECTING NOT HOPING

REMEMBER

FEELINGS OF LONGING FOR THAT DAY

YEARS OF REAL LIFE GET IN THE WAY

LIFE = PERSPECTIVE

SUGGESTIONS = EXPERIENCE = DISMAY

surgery and the back wash

You know, independance has a price

I did my independant thing

I rested = napped

I watched tv = napped

I arted = doodle art, and found my jewelry and stamping station is not set up well. PROGRESS!

I sewed = well, I did sew with my left foot, and it was weird

I made a Sewing machine cozy

I did no housework

I did do the laundry

I prepared yummy leftovers

I decorated my BOOT

the price I paid = I am back to work and I am so freeking tired I can't believe it

I will go back to the doctor Tomorrow, and then take the weekend to recover from the 2 day work week!

My right foot

To add insult to injury,
I am having a planter wart taken off the bottom of my Right Foot
The driving foot

I had no idea that it was such a big deal

It is laser surgery
I needed pre approval from my insurance of course
That went thru no problemo

I am doing it the Friday of Labor Day weekend

Hubby was consulted and will be my driver 2 and Fro
I am to be immobile for the weekend
And will not be able to drive

I will have a BOOT instead of a shoe

BECAUSE I HAVE BALANCE ISSUES

lord have mercy

this reminds me of my fracture

and my Independence of help

missed a day of work because I found I could not use CRUTCHES

BUT I have a cane or 3 and a walker

I am great!

of course I have the kids etal coming over for Labor Day weekend bbq and Donovan's
birthday party...

ummm

will delegate

On the TUESDAY after I have the dentist again and HUBBY will be driving

On Wednesday I am off work... lol

Good Grief

aloofed

Aloof

Detach

Remove

Emotions strained

Art misused abused defused

Replace emotions with EMO

:(

Defend R

Offend R

Rescind R

Apology derailed

Love isn’t never saying you’re sorry

no smiles today

I had the good fortune to get one of the precious 6am dentist appointments, which will be one of my last 3.

We are giving up the dental, as not affordable... really.

To my surprise my bridge tooth chipped last night, and wow, how convienent that I got that appointment yester morn for a cleaning.

The dammm thing came OUT during the cleaning... my toothe of many years duration...
that replaced the one I broke with my chocolate chip cookie with pecans...

The dammm thing has been glued back in place 3 times over the years, and now the dentist says 2 crowns a filling and we will be all set... they will make a bridge with the 2 crowns...

EXCUSE ME...

My perfectly good teeth with NO fillings, and now I will have a tiny filling and 2 crowns and the faux tooth attached...

And I only have to pay the $360 up front, which is 10%... and they guarantee it will be all done before OCT 1 when I do not have dental any more...

AND the first appointment available is the Tuesday after Labor day, which I was going to take as a vacation day... oy!

and I was so tired last night I was asleep in front of the TV at 6:15 pm and in bed by 6:30... DH was concerned...

I passed out, and it brought back memories of the days before my dx... all tired all the time...

Blast

Retirement in the very near future and the making of the decision
has made life very lovely for the future retiree

Moving at the pace of oxen in a double yoke is tired making

Using my brain damage judgement to comment on his forgetting the bottom line was a bit scary .. Excuse the bad judgement but I had to remind him

He has 3 years to wait before Medicare, I will be nikkid for 5 years.

He hasn't inquired about how LONG he can buy the insurance from work

For some reason he doesn't KNOW if he can buy it past 62 yo...when he starts collecting SS...

Unlikely I will be able to purchase any kind of health insurance without the backlash of my MS DX... the cost? and how to prove that the resulting incidents which may put me in a hospital is not related to MS... ick and ick again

Damm and Blast

Wave length

Uncertain T

A bit on the weary side

A bunch on the wary side

Looking about for support

permission

Study the plan, revise the books, follow thru

Not follow the leader, but lead anyway

permission

Do it this way or that

MStakes cost

Allow MSunderstanding

permission

Dis Allow persecution

Allow pro action

Look for cognition

If a wave of euphoria falls dead on the sandy beach,
and there is no one around,
does it make a sound?

When a single thought makes a connection,
is there a spark?


my inner thought is rosy gold
time is just
so
understanding

just-tired

Changed Medication for Cheep r RX

The stuff makes me tired

In bed at 7

Head on the desk, dizz e

Little pain, like a 2

Headache like before

buzz e ears

Hope for resolution with time

But time is not on my side

Gritt e eyes, may b allerg e

may be RA

re-tired

The light at the end of the tunnel

Finding recourse and resource

Hoping to get a breath

Not remorse

Six months of time that can move hope closer

Time of agony and uncertain T

A date makes living easy R

Decision to make work short R

Decision to make life livable

If we can live 2 gether

One year until his end

5 years I must spend

Work or life?

Quote:

If we never did it before we won't do it now

bummer 2 b bummed all ways

I am not amused

Lucykitty has a problem

It is now my problem

As the owner of a pet, I understand that the chance of accidents happening on occasion.

I am not sure the term accidents would be correct

when she is heaving ... waking me up most nights with the hairball coughing... and if you have heard it you do not forget...

startled awake by this going on IN MY BED, do I grab her and take her to the nearest area that will not be stained?

trip over the brown dog who is wheezing like Darth Vader and is guarding me by laying right in my path?

or do I get one of the old throw rugs that have lost all the grippy substance on the back, and put that by the bed to protect my new carpet tiles? and dump her fat butt off my bed and clean it up later?

currently I hook my foot under her and toss her off the bed - and hope that I remember to watch out for land mines when I DO wake up...

she doesn't do the nice LIVER flavored hair ball treats... and I haven't found anything she will eat.. the DOGS love them..

Don't look up

Its back

perplexing

irritating

misinterpret

zips and zaps

and tingles

and dizzy

prolong the feeling

head reeling

stars and sparkles

eyes close in dismay

a small tear on the way

it is called a sign with a fancy French nuance

lightening sends a wave of feeling

blast

it won’t last

it is deceiving

ode to re doing

Once upon a ladder

construction distraction still ongoing
a reprise of plans
unusual circumstance - distance the finish line

interrupt the concept and design

with suggestions not divine

difficult disarray
confusing discord
offending remorse
wiring redundance

abrupt disappointment
abort celebration
distinct disagreement

bound by bonds on paper
fueled by guilt or disabled trust

worries of future lust

Whats Love Part II

What’s love got to do with it – part dos

Stressed about work, or health or bills

Everything that can bug you about your partner’s actions or reactions or NON action is blown out of proportion, because of your stress

What part of I DON”T KNOW don’t you understand?

Sometimes the MonSter takes away common sense and I do really stoopid things

BUT THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!! =

Partner has had a horrible week at work and is still functioning, not bringing home the bad stuff, yet makes the comment he is going to buy out the rest of his time, and retire in 12 months instead of 24 months.

Purchase price of the health insurance will be MORE than he will have coming in from his retirement

STRESS
Kills

Blank out the consequences of not paying attention to the details

Like charge stuff because we couldn’t balance the check book, and we didn’t want an overdraft charge

BUT BACK TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF =

Proud that the renovation project is all labor and the price of the flooring and such is so little compared to the cost of building a NEW studio, as had been suggested by the Partner, who is in denial - but is making me my OWN SPACE compared to HIS OWN man space in the huge 2 story garage

To compensate for things better left unsaid?

After paying the insurance on the Jeep, personal loan payment, 2 credit cards and life insurance will need grocery money …

Tomorrow - move things around in the new space and tape off some areas that will be an accent color.

A trick of the eye where a shadow seems a bit deeper then it actually should, and that is where the FREE Glidden paint comes into play.

Need to price out my “loft” look for the fixtures, which would be the wall mount boxes and such and spot lights and track lights.


Tomorrow is now yesterday

Not a good start.

A phone message that the Pain Doc will not refill meds without an office visit.

A PARTIAL refill gets me only to next Monday, and the phone call gets an appointment next THURSDAY and the pills cost $3 each, and a partial is under the co-pay so am paying full price for not as many pills

Waiting for the return call from the nurse who will tell the doctor I need MORE of my RX and NO I will not drive in rush hour traffic for 50 miles thankyouverymuch, just give me more drugs.

The combination of this that and the other is working, why do I need to take off another day of work for another doctor appointment when we are doing it right??

Moving things around in my studio space and start to get back spazzies, well hell.

With the extra work put into weekends and physical excesses pushing myself during the remodel process can only judge this new “attack” is because went a day without all the medication “on board”

Holding the little bucket of joint compound in my hand - that was formerly known as the BAD HAND - caused pain after an hour, because went a day without all the medication “on board”

I needed to be proceeding with the project, but not having the energy to do the work I was supposed to do

The 94F heat and who cares what the humidity is because can’t breathe anyway - eats at my brain but get on the road to the H Depot to price out fixtures

Bought stuff on the list, and forgot stuff actually NEEDED

The man delivers 8 boxes of carpet tile for the new space and it is now crunch time

The partner sees that I have not proceeded at the rate that I have proved is possible over the past two weeks, and has to comment that he can not wait to see me TRY TO GET all this stuff into the new space.

Reminded him again I removed the stuff that was stored in 3 walk in closets and putting it in a space with NO closets.

Shelving and the renewed and improved storage in the MUD ROOM is my salvation, and haven’t even started going through all of the supplies that are stacked in the living room and dining room.

I have lost some of my clothes.

My laundry basket is missing.

At 5am painting the base coat on bare drywall and notice something is wrong with the speed roller. It has been bent to a specific angle to do the face boards on the gazebo – rendering it UN USABLE for a normal application.

Cripes again

Will need an email message to find out if there is another roller somewhere

If it isn’t one thing it is two things

And I need to shower and get ready for work.

Whats LOVE got to do with it?

The current monolog is based on our lives as room mates, not husband and wife?

What is needed in the relationship, s e x.

Room mates do not need to have s e x. but it seems that to keep our love alive.. ect.

Well, I am not in love but I am married. I have not spoken of love for many years, and have not heard of love, just of s e x. Well, the fact that there isn't any.

It isn't working very well.

The exercise of the marital rights didn't work out last time, and since I am a born again virgin, it wasn't pretty.

I darent interject a thought or word or deed, because it reflects how I am .. now..

It would be pointed out that it wasn't always this way.

I have to be honest, I have no s e x drive at all, and can do without for a year or more, and have.

Not attracted to ANYONE thankyouverymuch.

That has not really come to the surface. No attraction.

But it can be worked on, maybe?

Allergies

The point of allergies?

How many times do you see the same commercials for the allergy meds? And they work right away and now you can go in the garden and pick beautiful flowers?

With my stuff going on, I wonder why my head is going to explode?

Pressure is like holding your breath underwater for a really really long time, ears, sinus, etc.

And my eyes hurt, itch and hurt.

I have buzzing in my ears like mad hornets and that is so crazy making..

When I walked out into the world this morning I knew it would not be good, and then I find that the "helper" in the office will not be here today, because he is sick.

I need to find a way to never work a full week, but still get a full paycheck.

But, the point of this is:

My system is already on overload, is there a connection with my increased sensitivity to the pollen and such?

And that HOPE thing

I wonder about my direction, but I dont Question my direction.

The man in charge doesnt need to give direction.

You will find only what you bring in. That YODA is one smart cookie.

I am thinking more and more that when I try to be in control, the more out of control I be.

Not only in my place here, but in my thinking and my art, and my relationships.

The best example was when I joined the local craft guild, and I was pushing to do my stuff to sell at the big Christmas Crafty thing. Not only did I operate outside my comfort zone, I did not sell anything.

HELLO, Is there anybody in there? Pink Floyd

Gee, the hours and hours I crammed crafts were not only insulting to my muse, they were very hard on me physically. WHY I thought folks going to a craft sale would buy my stuff I have no IDEA.

The fact that I made some cute things that were pretty over the top in the way of blinged up every day common items and re-purposed (that means I twisted things into a different use category, like shoes were now Photo Holders/Card Holders, like that) them and made them beautiful and really pretty cute.

Really

The dollars I spent at the DOLLAR STORE were not even partially recovered.

And the stuff I bought at the AGAPE Thrift store ( and the other stores where I vow to take my business to help local economy) was not ART IN VAIN, but now I have bins and bins of my loverly stuff.

Beautiful Beautiful Gift Tins perfect for slipping in a stocking or alone add a beautiful art piece to CASH gifts.

Here is where the HOPE part comes back to haunt me

I only used my powers for good

So in trying to SELL my stuff, it didn't have the mojo going

I NEVER sell my bottles of hope, and still have not and will not

My art made with LOVE and given from my Heart, will always be the best.

QUOTE: you can't sell hope. you can only give hope.

My very own words, I will stick by them

An Altered Life

All you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be
---Pink Floyd “Breathe”


*your health
*your family
*your job
*your dreams

If you have your health, good health, low maintenance health, it is easy to be caviler about a cold, flu, a sprain, a twinge. Age related? Or is it something more?

New limits on energy, concentration and productivity.

When it isn’t enough to be awake and lucid enough to answer a telephone

Health is messing with work skills and you look fine but your brain processes are not normal.

Mostly a brain functions like a CD player. A button is pushed, the disk is loaded, some tweaking and the expected result = music.

With an altered brain the button is pushed and there is a skittering where the disk (brain) is spinning but not lined up so the laser can’t track = ERROR

Trying to unlock the office door with the car remote

Unsuccessful logging into the office workstation, having to call the head shed to get a “password”

Punching in the wrong PIN number and the ATM machine eats your debit card.

“Oh, I do that all the time!” a friend is trying to console you.

You normally function at high speed and suddenly you strip your gears. You lose part of yourself.

Yes, part of yourself. How do you handle the altered brain?



Pick yourself up; dust yourself off, start all over again
-- Swing Time 1931

Medication for staying awake, pills for nerve pain, hand tremors, dragging leg.

Little things are coming back to you, the stress is easing up and you are more in control.

Stress Kills.

With an altered brain you constantly second guess what you just did. And you get lost, driving to the library when you should be at the vets’ office.

Then you double check everything, and overlook the electric bill.

Like rebooting your computer, close all open windows, save any work you are into, and push the button.

When it comes back it will be fine. Not. You have bad connections in your brain.

You have to change medications again, signs show potential “problems” because that disease modifying drug isn’t working, lets do MORE tests, let’s change drugs.

AND more tests to see if you have lost any cognition.

Can you still understand spoken directions and repeat back 10 words the technician said 10 minutes ago, before you started matching card shapes and put the round peg in the round hole thing. You need to recall the 10 random words she told you.

Exhausting day of tests and the results are NORMAL.


Don’t go changing, to try and please me you never let me down before
--- Billy Joel “Just the Way You Are”

When a person is told a battery of tests show you are NORMAL the first reaction would be YEA! Happy dance, whatever.

But when is normal not good enough?

If you are lucky you can adjust to your NEW NORMAL.

Don’t worry about mistakes with the taxes, the check book errors, and the PIN number for the debit card. The passwords to credit card web sites, passwords at work.

If you have never asked for help in any aspect of your life, how do you manage your new normal?



If you are lucky a loved one will see your terror and step in and gently take your hand.


Or not.


Get it together kiddo—why is the cell phone is in the refrigerator, the loaf of bread is moldy sitting in the back of the cupboard, and there is no cereal. Because you forgot.

Your spouse is upset and says: If I only knew what was going on I could handle it and take up the slack. If I Only Knew you were NOT going to do it I would do it myself.

I don’t know how I forgot something so important. My list was in my purse BUT I COULDN’T FIND IT.

This is your new normal.

You yell at the dog: I HATE YOU! You tripped over her for the 3rd time making dinner. Did you trip or was it your disease?

Good day sunshine
---The Beatles

Months later you don’t remember how distraught you were and you sing in the morning and dance around the kitchen.

You are in remission and you are starting to feel more like you did “before”.

Maybe the meds are working? Family isn’t walking around upset because something didn’t get in the wash basket; toilet paper is in place, all is right with the world.

Except at work everyone knows you are not there today because you are getting an MRI.

Clients ask how you are doing. It is not a casual question, how did they hear about it?

Folks remark that they are used to dealing with you for the last 10 years and what days do you work NOW? Kind of scary when you are worried you can’t perform to your normal standards, and the pressure of dealing with the head shed to meet or exceed goals set by management and it trickles down to: how are you doing?

Your work hours are reduced to give you a day of rest in the middle of the week.

A support person that was hired during your vacation stays for the whole summer.
That is not HELP that is pressure, because the TEMP may be after your job.

Your immune system is so stressed you get pneumonia and end up in ICU for a week.


The boss is asking if you are coming back to work. Clients will tell you he was worried you were not going to make it.

You find out later you “almost died” and you can’t stop crying.

A family crisis and you start having flash backs about a death in the family.

Sobbing the entire time you are making dinner and wondering when this is going to change, it is messing with your brain and messing with your life.

You doubt that you can really come back from this relapse, really come back.

It IS all about me! My Altered Life

Embrace it, and be the very best patient my doctor has ever treated.

Follow all the rules and regulations take my drugs as ordered. Be compliant with the protocol and I will be just fine. Right.

I became a follower of internet forums and found out what my doctor didn’t tell me.

And internet forums set me free.

I found the best friends I had never met.

People who are expert patients, who use all their time reading the medical journals ON LINE, and interacting with others like themselves.

Suddenly I had people who GET IT.

Some were on disability, moving from the fast track to a power chair and some were working full time stressful jobs.

I now know a rocket scientist who routinely travels on business with a wheelchair packed like luggage in the belly of the airplane.

Two research scientists, a couple of college professors, artists and farmers wives and nurses and corporate financial wizards. Dancers, small business owners, mechanics, carpenters, factory workers and housewives.

Women who work for big name companies and teachers who work with “hard to manage” students. A Neo Natal specialist, a Chemist, and a belly dancer.

My life had changed, my brain was altered, my life was altered, and my outlook went from tunnel vision and misery to excitement about learning from these wonderful people.

Art from my heart

Then I was pointed in a direction I had not considered.

My muse was shaken up, dragged out of hibernation and put to work.

My interaction with the arts my entire life was going to take a different direction.

Creativity was sparked by need.

I suddenly found my place in the big picture.

I had HOPE.

Tired

I wonder sometimes

Is the feeling of nausea, exhaustion, aches and such my new normal?

After starting the new meds for the hand pain I have not figured out how the new stuff is helping, when I am hurting instead. The meds are effecting my digestion and stuff, things are not "regulated" as they should be, and stuff goes in and doesn't go out..

But if I don't feel better by next wednesday I guess I will talk with my APA Courtney and start looking for another drug of choice. Adding the ZIPSOR just keeps me from having the killer headaches and it is an anti-inflamitory.

So I guess I am stuck for another week.

Thursdays suck anyway.

In a world of dissapointments and depression

BTW

I am not a miss mary sunshine, nor a miss susie sunshine

The dark side of the moon is my choice, if given a choice

I need a zap of happy times, a shot of wonderful fun, a pinch of good friends all mixed together to get my blues behind me

But since I am not a happy wonderful fun friend, it takes effort to get over the blues and be likable and necessary in someones life

tgif

I guess if this week is over, being in the office part of the week over, not having to get up and shower and move my bucket over, not caring how I come across (to the other side of the desk) over, I am glad

No happy dance, just glad.

Working on a collage for a change, based on an old hand stretched framed oil painting I picked up at a garage sale, piled guesso on it and smoothed and scraped and enhanced the textures.

On top is material, squares of plywood, cardboard, and dimentional paints.

I have stamped, circled, etc making xxx and ooo all over the canvas

with that as the theme, I am going to do a hugs and kisses tag, a SWAK, a valentine heart, and someone blowing a kiss, and a big hug ...

maybe too much action, but bling and such is needed...

I'm A Pain

Since starting this blog page I have lost it...

litteraly (in my way of spelling, and my way of thinking)

in my way

I have remembered that I thought I was looking at starting a blog somewhere, and then found out that I did start a blog... and then forgot again.

I am trying to start a group of unknown artists, but so far I only know 3 unknowns, including myself...

Also deciding if my "art injury" will be holding up some of my ideas and keep me out of the different "shows"

My "art injury" is ongoing nerve damage, can't see any damage to the "hand" or "wrist" using the old fashioned X-Ray, then the Nerve Conduction Test shows NOTHING, and the MRI shows nothing, and then I get recommended to go see a Pain Specialist

Doctor D and his APA Courtney ... they are excellent caregivers... wonderful gentle questions and methods of "examination" easy access to the office, and they have returned my calls !

They have messed with my dosage of the meds for my leg pain (neuropathy it is called, and then added the restless leg thingy) and ended up increasing it to help me sleep. The pain med I have been taking is an ANALGESIC...

When it is time for a pill, it is TIME FOR A PILL.

Unfortunate that it has ramped up my other stuff, but I hope it will calm down a bit.

I have also become anxious... and that requires another pill that I am not taking..

So it goes.

I am not taking anything that will make any IMPROVEMENTS, just change the quality of life thing.

Quality of life thing is important, cause it is hard to do stuff with PAIN and it is hard to do stuff that will end up causing pain...