Truths

eLisa has a very nice website http://www.extravagantgrace.net/

It has been very eye opening again that I am not able to let go, I am a control freek

TYPE A personality

When I went to my Marie today I showed her my blank page on my clip board, and told her I can not even write down how I am feeling, and what I think is going on -

because I am always wrong and it is always my fault

My Marie asked who said I was wrong.. well as you all know, my other half says I don't do it right, or it is my fault that we have no beans in the house..

I pause right here to laugh... cause I told her I enable him and that is MY FAULT again

If you do not raise a child (husband) to take responsibility for their actions, how can you expect them to just pull up their big boy pants and be RESPONSIBLE? says my Marie

Can't

So it is my fault...

I also found out some more TRUTHS that I should face along the way to the restructuring of the life we are leading.

Yes, we are room mates

We should respect each other enough to be aware of how the other is feeling,

not just health wise but the mental attitude as well.

If I am in a FUNK, do not ask what is WRONG, ask me if I want a COOKIE!

If he is in a FUNK, leave the room and let him sulk alone, because it will become MY FAULT!

Do not blow off ATTITUDE, but address it right away -

If YOU are doing something that is pissing me off I should ADDRESS IT! NOW.

Not in a manner that is accusing, but in a matter of fact way that is instructional...

Like, HONEY, you know that your nasty shoes keep leaving grass and chunkage of dirt on the carpet in front of your chair, can those nasty shoes be cleaned outside before they come in?

Do we need one of those shoe scrapers?

My favorite one I need to figure out a direct and immediate retort-

HONEY! Your sheets came out of the bedroom and threw themselves in the laundry basket!

Do you need some help putting fresh ones on???!!!

(instead of having to throw those away because they will not come clean?)

But he doesn't even think about changing HIS bed sheets, because he never had to do it.

When is it time to tell a spouse that sharing some of this stuff is expected?

When I became unable to do my SHARE of the outside work, being the runner for tools, getting on the roof to clean the gutters,

and all that stuff that I just QUIT doing because of the MS fatigue, it became pretty obvious that my spouse needed a helper of some kind...

and now he is in a funk because there are just too many jobs to be done that NEED someone with 2 good legs and a strong back... so he gets in a tizzy about not getting stuff DONE outside...

When I get in a tizzy about not getting the vacuuming done, he shruggs it off.. so I bought a roomba

And the bathrooms are totally disgusting, and we do not have the same ideas about just a quick wipe by the MESSEE and it would be good... cause the MESSEE doesnt see a mess...

So I now have another tool to get the bathroom clean and once a week in 10 minutes (I HOPE)

Same way for the kitchen counters and cabinet fronts...

SO the wet dogs shake off in the kitchen, and the tail that is wagging so joyfully is muddy and is smacking the dishwasher... In a few minutes and a squirt of this or that cleaner it can be tidy... but not CLEAN... know what I mean?

Since I am looking forward to his fishing this weekend I hope to take my time and do some of the stuff that IS IMPORTANT to me around the house... and maybe even watch a movie or make some art! I know he will be tired and go right to his room... and I will have had a productive day!

AND when he comes back I hope he brings some trout and I have some beans in the house!

need a List?

I'm wondering

I may be experiencing some kinda MS thingy, and it is causing my short tempered reactions?

Except my trigger man is really a piece of work

I think I am having some of those weird SX that we talk about

a wet noodle is on my leg

I keep feeling something on the back of my neck

my eye twitching drives me crazy... stuff like that

SO chicken an de egg thing

DID MY RAGE cause this

or is THIS why I totally lost it and had that screaming fit?

I was trying to figure out what I want from MY MARIE

when I talk with her tomorrow

I am thinking I need a guide or tools to help with my conversations with HIM

Even tho I am having communication problems, I feel like they are not ALL my problems

except it is hard to be lucid when babbling and losing words

kwim

I tried to make a list, like all TYPE A folks do,
and sort it into catagory and such

I am so not HERE right now

BUT it is Better today than last week

The weekend I was wasted and non productive
but I did tell myself it is OKAY to not produce

kinda

dammit

Unfair Truths v 1.55

Rage makes me sore all over

I can not sleep

I toss and turn and pound my pillow

My body actually is hot

A hot flash is very common... hot hot hot flash is most of my new normal...

This is like a fever, well it could be a fever...

Today from 5 am until 2 pm I am a total mess

I am calming down because I see the light...

I have tried to give it up to the Lord, several times I have squeezed my eyes tightly closed and realized I didn't let it go...

I am thinking too much, my brain doesn't shut off ...

I have been trying to find the number for my Marie.. and I looked again on the website and FINALLY found the number was there .

I could not "get it" because I was just wound too tight...

I made the call, I have an appt for Tuesday morning at 10 am..

I am asking for guidance - and the LORD did show me that number! - and the tools to handle my thought processes and my stoopid rage...

If I didn't know better I would be afraid I am having another meltdown...

That can't be it... not a meltdown...

I need some laughter, and singing, and fun...

And if I am doing it by myself that is FINE... because I am FINE

## one of my newest MS friends NANCY was in the hospital for horrible horrible pain, electric jolts running down her arms and numb from her knees to the bottom of her feet... how can you possibly walk if you can't feel your feet?

The electric jolts down her arms caused her to lose her GRIP... how can she walk if she can't even feel her feet or hold on to her CANE??? She can't hold a glass without dropping it..

The doctor put her in the hospital so she could have 5 days of IVSM.. in the 5 days she was there she had 20 BAGS of IVSM...

20

And Wednesday she was walking and talking and smiling...

I bumped into my friend Lori (muggle) and she gave me the big hug and smile and she says TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF YOU NEED IT... get away!!

SHE is so smart...

I actually HATE that I see her and start babbling my problems

HATE HATE HATE...

so I will let the insurance PAY for someone to listen to me babble...

Gosh I need professional help... I am so weak... huh

Unfair Truths v 1.5

Well, like Esther Williams, I opened my eyes and smiled at the camera, blinking chlorine away, and batting my lashes.

Didn't realize that my suit will always be a bit out of date, but "shrug" who is it going to bother..

I found out the other day, to get back on subject, that I can't do it all.

I should not be surprised, because what I do do, I do okay, but not exceptional..

I have expectations, but maybe I don't worry to much about the swim suit riding up my behind, because what I am doing, I LIKE IT!

Since I am now credited with some little successes, I thought maybe I should try my hand at some stuff I see online, some lovely artsy stuff, that I know I can do and would like to try...

I actually have hundreds of pieces of paper with patterns and diagrams and suggestions, and they are not really FILED in any kind of system, which is what causes me great frustration.

So I have put aside baskets to put a pattern and material into, and then I can put that project on my table and WORK on it!

If I have to pick it up and move it, well it can go back into the basket.. right?

I am afraid it will become a UFO.. Un Finished Object... and then the pattern and supplies may be raided to finish something else...


Another big sigh


Of course this comes along right at the time I am getting ORGANIZED and wow it is TIMELY... cause I do need to put my ducks in some kinda row, and start to create STUFF that could help me recoup some of the money I spend gathering my supplies...

but, I need somewhere to show off my talents, but nary a venue has come to my attention yet... except my lovely local bookstore, bless them, and I am planning to visit there tomorrow

there is that word again... tomorrow...

planning to straighten up my display, take away some and put out new, create some interesting levels so folks have to move around to look... and such...

Of course I may go and find out she has boxed up my stuff because she hasn't seen me in a month ... sigh...

I also plan to show her my proposal concerning the community stuff - FREE artsy fartsy crafty upcycle/recycle/make it and take it classes...

Stuff that I can put in a newspaper article -

Where I plant a seed by display - in all its wonder- some of the things I make using card board cereal boxes, plastic grocery bags, and fabric scraps...

and DUCT TAPE...

so tonight I need to be on top of my game to be sure I have some of my "things" ready

and I MAY just go over to the book store tonight if I get angry at my other half

again...

BUT

Since I 'can't do it all' referrs to the fact that I do not have the time or resourses to try every single artsy fartsy thing I see on the WWW, and some lovely woman mentioned on her blog.. that she had to stop reading every single website and every single crafters blog.. to keep her time for her craft

So if I want to write, or edit photos, or TAKE photos or paint a wall or make a dammit doll to send to a friend... I MUST have the time

I MUST TAKE the TIME

I need some me time.. and I should figure out how to get it...

Unfair truth v1

It isn't tomorrow, because I just put down my salad of delish grilled chicken and ranch dressing, and could not remember what I was going to write about can't do it all

because I just screamed at my other half and slammed cupboards and threw thing around in the kitchen

I only asked if he wanted his grilled chicken on a salad or on a sandwich, blah blah blah

He asked for beans, I said um.. ok

I squat down and looked in the cupboard.. I did not see beans.

oh my LORD, please take me now, I felt the tension in my neck spread to my entire head, and then.... my eyes filled up with tears, and I put my head against the cupboard door.. tapped it lightly... bam bam bam... crap, I used all the beans I say out loud...

HE SAY: but you just went to the store and you don't get beans???

I SAY: well, I musta used them ... I didn't buy beans 'cause I thought I had a big can...

HE SAY: you thought? How come you never run out of YOGURT or Corn Chex? Do you ever run out of PeanutButter...

I squat down again and I am gently moving cans around, refried beans, refried beans, BIG can of refried beans... crap no baked beans...

Then he is making more cutting remarks... and a MIRACLE... truly I SEE the BIG CAN of BAKED BEANS... tucked behind the BIG CAN of soup..

But did I say thank you GOD first? no.. I stood up shaking and slammed that can down on the counter... my voice sounded like an alien being had taken over ....

DO YOU THINK I DON"T BUY BEANS ON PURPOSE???? SO THAT YOU CAN GIVE ME SH@T and CALL ME NAMES? SO THAT I CAN LISTEN TO YOU CRAB A$$ ABOUT IT FOR 24 HOURS?!!!

Every thing I touched I slammed... I marched his dinner out to serve him... sat it gently on his table (I didn't want to make a mess) he did not meet my eye...

I stopped crying, blessed the Lord for getting me out of this without having a stroke and took my dinner to my computer desk..

I hurt all over from my rage.. I am so so so tired of this

I was going to call my theripist MY MARIE, but couldn't find the number, and I will FIND IT

TOMORROW...

An unfair truth

I just found out I can't do it all

Here I was going to try to not have whiny posts and I found out this unfair, awful truth, so I bring it here.

My online girlfriends all have enough "stuff" going on in their lives, and if I can make this entertaining enough maybe I wont be dissed about it...

So I dive right into the matter, like Esther Williams in her no mess lipstick and hour glass figure dives into that beautiful blue water, and see if I can come up smiling!

Tomorrow

Brain Training

never would have thought that I would FIND a website with brain trainer puzzles and such, so that I can keep on my toes with cognitive stuff.

it is cool that it shows different tasks and tell you what you are working on to keep yourself sharp.

www.lumosity.com

it has a basic FREE membership

two things are just totally not possible, so I can work on them:

a game to remember names and faces (short turm memory)

and one to digest 2 things at a time which I forgot what that is called!

lol

Be Nice

A friend in my MS WORLD who is also a blogger, writer, health professional, and she posted on her blog about BEING NICE.

Check her out on NOURISH


http://nourishourselves.blogspot.com/


I just so happened to read an article while waiting in the foot doctors office on Friday, a very similar report on BEING NICE.

http://www.operationnice.com/

It is interesting

When I start the day in the hectic mess of my mind
the forgetting and remembering
the delays and stoopid mess of just trying to get out the door

Remembering when I had the 2 girls, trained to be prepared for the school day

Remembering MY days of going here and there
From this job to that job to Dancing School
then home.

Having a running battle with WHO needs to be in the shower at night
and WHO needs to be in the shower in the morning...

Backpacks at the top of the stairs, and check lists that I follow
to keep me on top of everyone and everything

Remembering the hubby leaving in the morning with a 5 minute drive to his school

And My miles and miles of going and coming

If I start my day NICE, everyone around me is NICE

If I am starting my day a mess, I am a mess all day

and everyone I run into treats me like a mess...

JUST ONE FRIENDLY good morning! is the best way to rev up

BUT the angry mess of my mind sometimes keeps my day a blur

My new normal is thinking of something in a lucid moment

that is not a necessary SOMETHING

but pops to the surface and becomes suddenly SOMETHING NECESSARY

it kinda wrecks everything

kwim?

Expecting To Fly

EXPECTING TO FLY

ELEMENTS OF EXCITEMENT

EFFERVESCENT FIZZ

IN MY BRAIN

FOND MEMORIES
BALANCE LIKE
DRAGONFLIES

TRANSPARENT GLASS WINGS

EXPECTING NOT HOPING

REMEMBER

FEELINGS OF LONGING FOR THAT DAY

YEARS OF REAL LIFE GET IN THE WAY

LIFE = PERSPECTIVE

SUGGESTIONS = EXPERIENCE = DISMAY

surgery and the back wash

You know, independance has a price

I did my independant thing

I rested = napped

I watched tv = napped

I arted = doodle art, and found my jewelry and stamping station is not set up well. PROGRESS!

I sewed = well, I did sew with my left foot, and it was weird

I made a Sewing machine cozy

I did no housework

I did do the laundry

I prepared yummy leftovers

I decorated my BOOT

the price I paid = I am back to work and I am so freeking tired I can't believe it

I will go back to the doctor Tomorrow, and then take the weekend to recover from the 2 day work week!