The point of allergies?
How many times do you see the same commercials for the allergy meds? And they work right away and now you can go in the garden and pick beautiful flowers?
With my stuff going on, I wonder why my head is going to explode?
Pressure is like holding your breath underwater for a really really long time, ears, sinus, etc.
And my eyes hurt, itch and hurt.
I have buzzing in my ears like mad hornets and that is so crazy making..
When I walked out into the world this morning I knew it would not be good, and then I find that the "helper" in the office will not be here today, because he is sick.
I need to find a way to never work a full week, but still get a full paycheck.
But, the point of this is:
My system is already on overload, is there a connection with my increased sensitivity to the pollen and such?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
And that HOPE thing
I wonder about my direction, but I dont Question my direction.
The man in charge doesnt need to give direction.
You will find only what you bring in. That YODA is one smart cookie.
I am thinking more and more that when I try to be in control, the more out of control I be.
Not only in my place here, but in my thinking and my art, and my relationships.
The best example was when I joined the local craft guild, and I was pushing to do my stuff to sell at the big Christmas Crafty thing. Not only did I operate outside my comfort zone, I did not sell anything.
HELLO, Is there anybody in there? Pink Floyd
Gee, the hours and hours I crammed crafts were not only insulting to my muse, they were very hard on me physically. WHY I thought folks going to a craft sale would buy my stuff I have no IDEA.
The fact that I made some cute things that were pretty over the top in the way of blinged up every day common items and re-purposed (that means I twisted things into a different use category, like shoes were now Photo Holders/Card Holders, like that) them and made them beautiful and really pretty cute.
Really
The man in charge doesnt need to give direction.
You will find only what you bring in. That YODA is one smart cookie.
I am thinking more and more that when I try to be in control, the more out of control I be.
Not only in my place here, but in my thinking and my art, and my relationships.
The best example was when I joined the local craft guild, and I was pushing to do my stuff to sell at the big Christmas Crafty thing. Not only did I operate outside my comfort zone, I did not sell anything.
HELLO, Is there anybody in there? Pink Floyd
Gee, the hours and hours I crammed crafts were not only insulting to my muse, they were very hard on me physically. WHY I thought folks going to a craft sale would buy my stuff I have no IDEA.
The fact that I made some cute things that were pretty over the top in the way of blinged up every day common items and re-purposed (that means I twisted things into a different use category, like shoes were now Photo Holders/Card Holders, like that) them and made them beautiful and really pretty cute.
Really
The dollars I spent at the DOLLAR STORE were not even partially recovered.
And the stuff I bought at the AGAPE Thrift store ( and the other stores where I vow to take my business to help local economy) was not ART IN VAIN, but now I have bins and bins of my loverly stuff.
Beautiful Beautiful Gift Tins perfect for slipping in a stocking or alone add a beautiful art piece to CASH gifts.
Here is where the HOPE part comes back to haunt me
I only used my powers for good
So in trying to SELL my stuff, it didn't have the mojo going
I NEVER sell my bottles of hope, and still have not and will not
My art made with LOVE and given from my Heart, will always be the best.
QUOTE: you can't sell hope. you can only give hope.
My very own words, I will stick by them
Monday, June 28, 2010
An Altered Life
All you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be
---Pink Floyd “Breathe”
*your health
*your family
*your job
*your dreams
If you have your health, good health, low maintenance health, it is easy to be caviler about a cold, flu, a sprain, a twinge. Age related? Or is it something more?
New limits on energy, concentration and productivity.
When it isn’t enough to be awake and lucid enough to answer a telephone
Health is messing with work skills and you look fine but your brain processes are not normal.
Mostly a brain functions like a CD player. A button is pushed, the disk is loaded, some tweaking and the expected result = music.
With an altered brain the button is pushed and there is a skittering where the disk (brain) is spinning but not lined up so the laser can’t track = ERROR
Trying to unlock the office door with the car remote
Unsuccessful logging into the office workstation, having to call the head shed to get a “password”
Punching in the wrong PIN number and the ATM machine eats your debit card.
“Oh, I do that all the time!” a friend is trying to console you.
You normally function at high speed and suddenly you strip your gears. You lose part of yourself.
Yes, part of yourself. How do you handle the altered brain?
Pick yourself up; dust yourself off, start all over again
-- Swing Time 1931
Medication for staying awake, pills for nerve pain, hand tremors, dragging leg.
Little things are coming back to you, the stress is easing up and you are more in control.
Stress Kills.
With an altered brain you constantly second guess what you just did. And you get lost, driving to the library when you should be at the vets’ office.
Then you double check everything, and overlook the electric bill.
Like rebooting your computer, close all open windows, save any work you are into, and push the button.
When it comes back it will be fine. Not. You have bad connections in your brain.
You have to change medications again, signs show potential “problems” because that disease modifying drug isn’t working, lets do MORE tests, let’s change drugs.
AND more tests to see if you have lost any cognition.
Can you still understand spoken directions and repeat back 10 words the technician said 10 minutes ago, before you started matching card shapes and put the round peg in the round hole thing. You need to recall the 10 random words she told you.
Exhausting day of tests and the results are NORMAL.
Don’t go changing, to try and please me you never let me down before
--- Billy Joel “Just the Way You Are”
When a person is told a battery of tests show you are NORMAL the first reaction would be YEA! Happy dance, whatever.
But when is normal not good enough?
If you are lucky you can adjust to your NEW NORMAL.
Don’t worry about mistakes with the taxes, the check book errors, and the PIN number for the debit card. The passwords to credit card web sites, passwords at work.
If you have never asked for help in any aspect of your life, how do you manage your new normal?
If you are lucky a loved one will see your terror and step in and gently take your hand.
Or not.
Get it together kiddo—why is the cell phone is in the refrigerator, the loaf of bread is moldy sitting in the back of the cupboard, and there is no cereal. Because you forgot.
Your spouse is upset and says: If I only knew what was going on I could handle it and take up the slack. If I Only Knew you were NOT going to do it I would do it myself.
I don’t know how I forgot something so important. My list was in my purse BUT I COULDN’T FIND IT.
This is your new normal.
You yell at the dog: I HATE YOU! You tripped over her for the 3rd time making dinner. Did you trip or was it your disease?
Good day sunshine
---The Beatles
Months later you don’t remember how distraught you were and you sing in the morning and dance around the kitchen.
You are in remission and you are starting to feel more like you did “before”.
Maybe the meds are working? Family isn’t walking around upset because something didn’t get in the wash basket; toilet paper is in place, all is right with the world.
Except at work everyone knows you are not there today because you are getting an MRI.
Clients ask how you are doing. It is not a casual question, how did they hear about it?
Folks remark that they are used to dealing with you for the last 10 years and what days do you work NOW? Kind of scary when you are worried you can’t perform to your normal standards, and the pressure of dealing with the head shed to meet or exceed goals set by management and it trickles down to: how are you doing?
Your work hours are reduced to give you a day of rest in the middle of the week.
A support person that was hired during your vacation stays for the whole summer.
That is not HELP that is pressure, because the TEMP may be after your job.
Your immune system is so stressed you get pneumonia and end up in ICU for a week.
The boss is asking if you are coming back to work. Clients will tell you he was worried you were not going to make it.
You find out later you “almost died” and you can’t stop crying.
A family crisis and you start having flash backs about a death in the family.
Sobbing the entire time you are making dinner and wondering when this is going to change, it is messing with your brain and messing with your life.
You doubt that you can really come back from this relapse, really come back.
It IS all about me! My Altered Life
Embrace it, and be the very best patient my doctor has ever treated.
Follow all the rules and regulations take my drugs as ordered. Be compliant with the protocol and I will be just fine. Right.
I became a follower of internet forums and found out what my doctor didn’t tell me.
And internet forums set me free.
I found the best friends I had never met.
People who are expert patients, who use all their time reading the medical journals ON LINE, and interacting with others like themselves.
Suddenly I had people who GET IT.
Some were on disability, moving from the fast track to a power chair and some were working full time stressful jobs.
I now know a rocket scientist who routinely travels on business with a wheelchair packed like luggage in the belly of the airplane.
Two research scientists, a couple of college professors, artists and farmers wives and nurses and corporate financial wizards. Dancers, small business owners, mechanics, carpenters, factory workers and housewives.
Women who work for big name companies and teachers who work with “hard to manage” students. A Neo Natal specialist, a Chemist, and a belly dancer.
My life had changed, my brain was altered, my life was altered, and my outlook went from tunnel vision and misery to excitement about learning from these wonderful people.
Art from my heart
Then I was pointed in a direction I had not considered.
My muse was shaken up, dragged out of hibernation and put to work.
My interaction with the arts my entire life was going to take a different direction.
Creativity was sparked by need.
I suddenly found my place in the big picture.
I had HOPE.
All you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be
---Pink Floyd “Breathe”
*your health
*your family
*your job
*your dreams
If you have your health, good health, low maintenance health, it is easy to be caviler about a cold, flu, a sprain, a twinge. Age related? Or is it something more?
New limits on energy, concentration and productivity.
When it isn’t enough to be awake and lucid enough to answer a telephone
Health is messing with work skills and you look fine but your brain processes are not normal.
Mostly a brain functions like a CD player. A button is pushed, the disk is loaded, some tweaking and the expected result = music.
With an altered brain the button is pushed and there is a skittering where the disk (brain) is spinning but not lined up so the laser can’t track = ERROR
Trying to unlock the office door with the car remote
Unsuccessful logging into the office workstation, having to call the head shed to get a “password”
Punching in the wrong PIN number and the ATM machine eats your debit card.
“Oh, I do that all the time!” a friend is trying to console you.
You normally function at high speed and suddenly you strip your gears. You lose part of yourself.
Yes, part of yourself. How do you handle the altered brain?
Pick yourself up; dust yourself off, start all over again
-- Swing Time 1931
Medication for staying awake, pills for nerve pain, hand tremors, dragging leg.
Little things are coming back to you, the stress is easing up and you are more in control.
Stress Kills.
With an altered brain you constantly second guess what you just did. And you get lost, driving to the library when you should be at the vets’ office.
Then you double check everything, and overlook the electric bill.
Like rebooting your computer, close all open windows, save any work you are into, and push the button.
When it comes back it will be fine. Not. You have bad connections in your brain.
You have to change medications again, signs show potential “problems” because that disease modifying drug isn’t working, lets do MORE tests, let’s change drugs.
AND more tests to see if you have lost any cognition.
Can you still understand spoken directions and repeat back 10 words the technician said 10 minutes ago, before you started matching card shapes and put the round peg in the round hole thing. You need to recall the 10 random words she told you.
Exhausting day of tests and the results are NORMAL.
Don’t go changing, to try and please me you never let me down before
--- Billy Joel “Just the Way You Are”
When a person is told a battery of tests show you are NORMAL the first reaction would be YEA! Happy dance, whatever.
But when is normal not good enough?
If you are lucky you can adjust to your NEW NORMAL.
Don’t worry about mistakes with the taxes, the check book errors, and the PIN number for the debit card. The passwords to credit card web sites, passwords at work.
If you have never asked for help in any aspect of your life, how do you manage your new normal?
If you are lucky a loved one will see your terror and step in and gently take your hand.
Or not.
Get it together kiddo—why is the cell phone is in the refrigerator, the loaf of bread is moldy sitting in the back of the cupboard, and there is no cereal. Because you forgot.
Your spouse is upset and says: If I only knew what was going on I could handle it and take up the slack. If I Only Knew you were NOT going to do it I would do it myself.
I don’t know how I forgot something so important. My list was in my purse BUT I COULDN’T FIND IT.
This is your new normal.
You yell at the dog: I HATE YOU! You tripped over her for the 3rd time making dinner. Did you trip or was it your disease?
Good day sunshine
---The Beatles
Months later you don’t remember how distraught you were and you sing in the morning and dance around the kitchen.
You are in remission and you are starting to feel more like you did “before”.
Maybe the meds are working? Family isn’t walking around upset because something didn’t get in the wash basket; toilet paper is in place, all is right with the world.
Except at work everyone knows you are not there today because you are getting an MRI.
Clients ask how you are doing. It is not a casual question, how did they hear about it?
Folks remark that they are used to dealing with you for the last 10 years and what days do you work NOW? Kind of scary when you are worried you can’t perform to your normal standards, and the pressure of dealing with the head shed to meet or exceed goals set by management and it trickles down to: how are you doing?
Your work hours are reduced to give you a day of rest in the middle of the week.
A support person that was hired during your vacation stays for the whole summer.
That is not HELP that is pressure, because the TEMP may be after your job.
Your immune system is so stressed you get pneumonia and end up in ICU for a week.
The boss is asking if you are coming back to work. Clients will tell you he was worried you were not going to make it.
You find out later you “almost died” and you can’t stop crying.
A family crisis and you start having flash backs about a death in the family.
Sobbing the entire time you are making dinner and wondering when this is going to change, it is messing with your brain and messing with your life.
You doubt that you can really come back from this relapse, really come back.
It IS all about me! My Altered Life
Embrace it, and be the very best patient my doctor has ever treated.
Follow all the rules and regulations take my drugs as ordered. Be compliant with the protocol and I will be just fine. Right.
I became a follower of internet forums and found out what my doctor didn’t tell me.
And internet forums set me free.
I found the best friends I had never met.
People who are expert patients, who use all their time reading the medical journals ON LINE, and interacting with others like themselves.
Suddenly I had people who GET IT.
Some were on disability, moving from the fast track to a power chair and some were working full time stressful jobs.
I now know a rocket scientist who routinely travels on business with a wheelchair packed like luggage in the belly of the airplane.
Two research scientists, a couple of college professors, artists and farmers wives and nurses and corporate financial wizards. Dancers, small business owners, mechanics, carpenters, factory workers and housewives.
Women who work for big name companies and teachers who work with “hard to manage” students. A Neo Natal specialist, a Chemist, and a belly dancer.
My life had changed, my brain was altered, my life was altered, and my outlook went from tunnel vision and misery to excitement about learning from these wonderful people.
Art from my heart
Then I was pointed in a direction I had not considered.
My muse was shaken up, dragged out of hibernation and put to work.
My interaction with the arts my entire life was going to take a different direction.
Creativity was sparked by need.
I suddenly found my place in the big picture.
I had HOPE.
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